A Day Like Today

Do you ever have those days where your heart literally aches for the past? Or those days where everything seems just right? There was just something about today that made me simultaneously nostalgic and utterly grateful for exactly where I am.  What was it that made today so special?  From an outsider's point of view it probably would have looked like a relatively routine day:

Bea woke us up around 7:30am.  

I made breakfast (which took Bea about an hour to finish..seriously...it was just a bowl of yogurt with strawberries and granola), started a load of diapers and swept, vacuumed the house and hung up aforementioned diapers.  

Bea and I went to the library for about an hour and then came home to eat lunch with Ike.  

She took a nice two hour nap which gave me time to organize all of my digital photos and files.  

When she finally did wake up, we had a snack and then headed off to the pool.  

About 5pm, we came home; Bea hung out with Ike outside while I cooked dinner.  

We read a few books while our salmon patties cooled down and after dinner I watered flowers and then the three of us relaxed on the front porch.  

And finally, bath time for Bea and then off to bed.

See, pretty routine.  Some might even say boring.  So, again, why did today stand out to me?

Well, it really didn't, until I started reflecting on it while I was cooking dinner.  I started thinking about what a beautiful, fleeting time it is in our life: Ike (our sole breadwinner) has an abundance of work coming in...work he thoroughly enjoys. Bea is challenging us in every way, but remains an endless source of joy throughout the day and amazes me almost constantly.  She wants to be with me all the time...helping me, hugging me, cuddling with me, and I know that this won't last much longer.  My pregnancy is winding down into its last two months; a pregnancy that will be my last, and as someone who loves being pregnant, it is really an awe-inspiring time to be in this body.  The light is really shining on our family right now.

(Photo by Mary Lundberg of Bloom Photography)

Are our days perfect?  Um, no...far from it.  Ike and I annoy each other pretty regularly, and have our fair share of matrimonial woes that I won't get into here.  Bea has perfected the art of the high pitched little girl scream and pushes my buttons as frequently as Ike does.  She is a stubborn, independent little cuss.  The political climate in our country, the struggles of those in need and those suffering unbearable oppression here and around the world, weigh heavily on us almost constantly.

But they are beautiful in their messy imperfectness.  And from an insider's perspective they are anything but boring...they are punctuated by the small miracles of everyday life:

When Bea wakes up, I can always hear the pitter patter of her feet coming into our bedroom.  I hoist her up into bed and she curls up between Ike and I.  And in those early moments of the morning, no matter how uncomfortable I slept, or how much Ike snored during the night, it's just the three of us, all soft and warm from sleep.

And no matter how long it takes Bea to eat, or how much she messes around, we have food to feed her, healthy food even, and we never have to hear her cry from hunger pains or look into her eyes and tell her we have nothing to give her.

And no matter how often an argument arises between Ike and I in the morning, there is always unending, unconditional love beneath it.

While walking into the library, an elderly man held open the door for Bea and I and told me that seeing us brought back memories of when his mother took him to the library when he was young.  This filled my heart with so much joy for him and with the hope that Bea will have these special memories when she is old and I am long gone.

While Bea was eating her snack, I put on my swimming suit to get ready to go to the pool and it smelled exactly the same way my swimming suit smelled when I was a kid.  I closed my eyes and I was 10-years-old again, swimming with my brother and sister at the Braman pool and riding in the boat with my family and James, Kay and Jenny Ryan, my hair whipping in the wind.

I got to cook a simple, healthy meal for my family and see the man I love the most caring so sweetly for our daughter while a new life moved around inside of me.

While Bea and I were reading on the couch, she said to me, "You're a good mama."

Surrounded by the beauty of our garden, we got to spend a quite evening outside just enjoying each other's company and breaking the stillness of our neighborhood with laughter.

When I get nostalgic for my own childhood, these are the kinds of moments that overwhelm me with joy and gratitude.  It's rarely the big events like our trip to Disneyland when I was little, and it's never the things we had or didn't have, that I look back on.  It's always the little moments with my loved ones: playing hide-n-seek after dark with my mom, my dad and my brother and sister; laughing in my grandparents' basement with my cousins; swimming at Drury with my friends; or riding bikes down a dusty, country road.

And I know, in 20 or 30 years it will be days like today that take my breath away, and I'm filled with gratitude for the chance to live a life that has and continues to give me these moments.

The World is Not Impressed By Me

This morning I was hiding out in the bathroom amidst a motherhood/marriage meltdown and needed a little mindless distraction, so naturally I scanned through Facebook.  I came upon an article a friend had posted from Time.com: Wondering What Happened to Your Class Valedictorian? Not Much, Research Shows.  As a class Valedictorian (one of five actually), I was, of course, interested to find out how, exactly, I have managed to amount to “not much” in my life.

Someone should warn her!!

There was much in the article that I did agree with: that schools do favor students who follow the rules, that “academic grades correlate only loosely with intelligence,” and that grades are an “excellent predictor of self-discipline, conscientiousness, and the ability to comply with rules.”  Schools are in the business of getting kids to fall in line and to conform to what society wants of them.  However, there are those schools, and those teachers, who try to go against this system and encourage their students to think outside the box and to challenge the status quo.  As a former high school teacher, myself, I have seen many teachers in both camps, almost all of whom were dedicating their lives, and hearts, to their students and doing the best that they could…but I digress.

The article goes on to state that most valedictorians are “extremely well rounded and successful, personally and professionally, but they’ve never been devoted to a single area in which they put all their passion,” and that they are “reliable, consistent, and well-adjusted, and by all measures the majority have good lives,” but that many of these things are not “usually a recipe for eminence.”  

Um, guess what?  Not everyone wants to be “eminent.”  Many people are happy being well rounded and pouring their energy into many different causes and interests rather than pursuing one singular passion.  And, guess what else?  Some people are perfectly happy to pour themselves into one singular passion for the pure joy of realizing that passion without seeking fame or glory. 

As someone who has never had just one singular passion, I know how fulfilling it can be to not devote yourself to “one single area.”  I’ve found so much joy in photography, gardening, cooking, weaving, yoga, sewing and countless other interests that I can’t imagine picking just one.  I know that I will never be an expert at any one of these things, but I’m filled with gratitude and wonder every time I get to engage in one of these activities.  And as a life-long learner I spend countless hours reading up on subjects that interest me and losing myself in great works of literature.  I also know that none of these things will lead to riches or fame.  But what they do lead to, is a happy heart and a stronger connection with others with whom I’m able to share these things.

The problem, to me, is that our society constantly equates success with money, power, fame…eminence.  Not all people aspire to those things, and not all people equate them with success.  Does that make them unsuccessful just because they don’t adhere to what society expects them to want or to strive for?  Is having a “good life” just not good enough if you can’t prove it with a bank statement or flaunt it through powerful connections and notoriety?

The author also lets us know that basically none of the high performers in high school go on to “change the world, run the world or impress the world.”  

First of all, just because someone isn’t finding the cure for cancer or running a country doesn’t mean they aren’t changing the world.  The people I know who are changing the world do it by changing their world: donating time and money to worthy organizations, writing letters to their legislative representatives, spending time loving and learning from their loved ones, teaching children, saving lives as nurses and doctors, fighting for the rights of the oppressed, speaking out against hate, intolerance and ignorance, and raising their children to be kind, compassionate, humble, joyful human beings.  And frankly, if the world isn’t impressed by that, then the world can go fuck itself, because frankly I’m not that impressed with the world right now anyway.  

In the eyes of this author, I, too, would fit into the findings of the study: I was a high school valedictorian.  I had about a 3.4 GPA in college and I went on to a professional career as a teacher.  I feel like I’m “reliable, consistent and well-adjusted” and live a good life.  I don't run the world or apparently impress it.  I’m not at the “top of adult achievement arenas”.  I’m not a visionary. I don’t shake up the system.

But here’s what any study would fail to see and what this study would fail to recognize and celebrate: that I am someone who cares deeply about her friends and family and tries to show it and express it as much as possible; someone who finds so much beauty in her everyday life that it sometimes overwhelms her; someone who is always trying to better herself by learning about the world, the lives of others, the teachings of others and coming to a better understanding of herself; someone who does everything she can to protect and honor the earth; someone who values humility, compassion, empathy and respect; someone who is working her butt off to instill humility, compassion, empathy and respect in her daughter; someone who is sincerely trying to make the lives of others better.

The older I get, and the more I learn and grow, the less money, fame and notoriety mean to me (if they ever really meant anything), and the more the above mentioned things fill my life and my heart with joy.  Some, like the author of the Time.com piece, may call this a mediocre life absent of “earthshaking accomplishments” (read this article!!!! What if All I Want is a Mediocre Life?), but I think it’s quite extraordinary.

If I can stop one Heart from breaking

I shall no live in vain

If I can ease one Life the Aching

Or cool one Pain

Or help one fainting Robin

Unto his Nest again

I shall not live in vain.

-Emily Dickinson

Magic in the Madness

Every night after Bea goes to sleep I settle down on the couch and begin catching myself up on the happenings of the day.  I peruse NPR, The Washington Post, The New York Times, The New Yorker, The Atlantic, our local Manhattan Mercury and every now and then, just to see what's being said on "the other side"... Fox News.  In the last few months or so, after the election and especially after the inauguration, it has obviously been extra depressing.  It feels like every value I hold, every cause I support, is being desecrated by our current administration.

In my own small way, I've tried to make a difference...donating to a variety of organizations and causes that seem most vulnerable in our current political climate and throwing a dinner party/fundraiser to support Planned Parenthood.  I know it's not much, but if everyone did a little, it would equal a lot.  Could I do more? Yes.  Am I doing the best I can right now? Yes.

So, blah, blah, blah, it's all a big depressing mess.

Pile on top of that finding out I'm pregnant and almost immediately being plunged into pretty awful all-day nausea and an upswing of my postpartum depression all while taking care of an almost 2-year-old and an almost 39-year-old.  Yeah, I know, woe-is-me.  But it felt pretty shitty.  And I promise I have a point in whining about this (I have to build up the "madness" to help you fully appreciate the "magic").

So, a few weeks ago, with all of this weighing heavily on my heart, I traveled to Omaha for my seventh weekend (out of 9) of yoga teacher training.  On Saturday afternoon, we were treated to a field trip of sorts by getting to take part in a cacao ceremony at another yoga studio.  For those not familiar (I wasn't either before I actually attended one):

When you consume cacao prepared for ceremony using high quality raw cacao beans, all the mood enhancing neurochemicals in cacao become particularly active. There is increased blood flow and nutrition to the brain, heart and skin, the whole body is nourished, awareness and focus is heightened and sensations are intensified.

The context of the ceremony is a safe and beautiful space that supports meditation (reflection and connection to the “larger aspects of yourself”). This creates a rare opportunity to explore and sit with the stories of the heart and to identify areas that are causing you restriction, limitation and pain. You have the chance to relax deeply and receive insights, inspiration and creative ideas that can give you a clarity on the “next steps” of your life and where you can support your overall health.

Many people report a deep sense of joy and peace, a connection to something bigger than themselves as well as insights of limiting behaviors, thoughts and feelings that are able to be understood and released within the safe environment of the ceremony (from cacao ceremonies.com)

There were about 25-30 of us in attendance at this particular ceremony.  We were each given cups of raw cacao to drink throughout the almost two hour ceremony, which consisted of blessing the cacao, some intense bonding experiences, singing, chanting, dancing and sharing.  

But before I go any further with this part of the story, I have to backtrack a little.  

For those of you who may not know, in May 2014 I was driving to work when a car pulled out in front of me on the highway causing an accident that resulted in the stillbirth of my daughter, Helen, with whom I was five months pregnant.  About three months later, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter Beatrice.  While I was pregnant, I had a dream that a man came to me and told me that the baby I was carrying (Beatrice) would be a healing for me. 

Okay, back to present day and the cacao ceremony.  So, the first "ice breaker" activity we participated in was a super intense, insanely beautiful experience, where everyone walked around the room, and when you made eye contact with someone, you put your hands on each others' shoulders, looked deep into each others eyes and inhaled and exhaled, one time, together, and no one could say a word the entire time.  We had to continue to do this until we had breathed together with each person there.  I made my way around the room and then came to a man who I had never seen or met before.  We put our hands on each others' shoulders and I looked into his eyes.  And every fiber of my being exploded... it was him...the man from my dream.  The man who told me Bea would be a healing for me.  I stared into his eyes wondering how this could even be possible!?  I continued on through the rest of the activity, making some beautiful connections with strangers and friends, all the while wondering what I should say...what I should do!  Or should I even say or do anything!?

Well, the universe, my dear friends, takes care of many things for us.

For our next exercise we had to find a partner, preferably someone we didn't know at all or very well. We were to sit crossed-legged in front of each other, knees touching knees.  One person would have three minutes to say whatever they wanted or needed to say and the other person couldn't react with as much as a head nod or the slightest touch.  After the three minutes were up, the next person would go.  As fate would have it, the man from my dream approached me and asked if I would like to partner up.  With my heart beating out of my chest, I agreed.

I went first and told him, sobbing, about what happened with Helen, about Beatrice, about the dream and that he was the man who came to me in the dream.  I can't really put into words what he shared with me, just that he thanked me over and over and had many profound things to say to me.  After our time together was up, we embraced and each went on to enjoy the rest of the ceremony.

I can't really tell you what it all meant; why at that moment this man appeared to me in person.  The universe has yet to reveal to me what the purpose of this whole experience was or is.  But the magic remains.  My belief in magic remains.  My belief in the beauty of life and the goodness of human kind remains.

Maybe that was the only meaning I needed.