In my own small way, I've tried to make a difference...donating to a variety of organizations and causes that seem most vulnerable in our current political climate and throwing a dinner party/fundraiser to support Planned Parenthood. I know it's not much, but if everyone did a little, it would equal a lot. Could I do more? Yes. Am I doing the best I can right now? Yes.
So, blah, blah, blah, it's all a big depressing mess.
Pile on top of that finding out I'm pregnant and almost immediately being plunged into pretty awful all-day nausea and an upswing of my postpartum depression all while taking care of an almost 2-year-old and an almost 39-year-old. Yeah, I know, woe-is-me. But it felt pretty shitty. And I promise I have a point in whining about this (I have to build up the "madness" to help you fully appreciate the "magic").
So, a few weeks ago, with all of this weighing heavily on my heart, I traveled to Omaha for my seventh weekend (out of 9) of yoga teacher training. On Saturday afternoon, we were treated to a field trip of sorts by getting to take part in a cacao ceremony at another yoga studio. For those not familiar (I wasn't either before I actually attended one):
When you consume cacao prepared for ceremony using high quality raw cacao beans, all the mood enhancing neurochemicals in cacao become particularly active. There is increased blood flow and nutrition to the brain, heart and skin, the whole body is nourished, awareness and focus is heightened and sensations are intensified.
The context of the ceremony is a safe and beautiful space that supports meditation (reflection and connection to the “larger aspects of yourself”). This creates a rare opportunity to explore and sit with the stories of the heart and to identify areas that are causing you restriction, limitation and pain. You have the chance to relax deeply and receive insights, inspiration and creative ideas that can give you a clarity on the “next steps” of your life and where you can support your overall health.
Many people report a deep sense of joy and peace, a connection to something bigger than themselves as well as insights of limiting behaviors, thoughts and feelings that are able to be understood and released within the safe environment of the ceremony (from cacao ceremonies.com)
There were about 25-30 of us in attendance at this particular ceremony. We were each given cups of raw cacao to drink throughout the almost two hour ceremony, which consisted of blessing the cacao, some intense bonding experiences, singing, chanting, dancing and sharing.
But before I go any further with this part of the story, I have to backtrack a little.
For those of you who may not know, in May 2014 I was driving to work when a car pulled out in front of me on the highway causing an accident that resulted in the stillbirth of my daughter, Helen, with whom I was five months pregnant. About three months later, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter Beatrice. While I was pregnant, I had a dream that a man came to me and told me that the baby I was carrying (Beatrice) would be a healing for me.
Okay, back to present day and the cacao ceremony. So, the first "ice breaker" activity we participated in was a super intense, insanely beautiful experience, where everyone walked around the room, and when you made eye contact with someone, you put your hands on each others' shoulders, looked deep into each others eyes and inhaled and exhaled, one time, together, and no one could say a word the entire time. We had to continue to do this until we had breathed together with each person there. I made my way around the room and then came to a man who I had never seen or met before. We put our hands on each others' shoulders and I looked into his eyes. And every fiber of my being exploded... it was him...the man from my dream. The man who told me Bea would be a healing for me. I stared into his eyes wondering how this could even be possible!? I continued on through the rest of the activity, making some beautiful connections with strangers and friends, all the while wondering what I should say...what I should do! Or should I even say or do anything!?
Well, the universe, my dear friends, takes care of many things for us.
For our next exercise we had to find a partner, preferably someone we didn't know at all or very well. We were to sit crossed-legged in front of each other, knees touching knees. One person would have three minutes to say whatever they wanted or needed to say and the other person couldn't react with as much as a head nod or the slightest touch. After the three minutes were up, the next person would go. As fate would have it, the man from my dream approached me and asked if I would like to partner up. With my heart beating out of my chest, I agreed.
I went first and told him, sobbing, about what happened with Helen, about Beatrice, about the dream and that he was the man who came to me in the dream. I can't really put into words what he shared with me, just that he thanked me over and over and had many profound things to say to me. After our time together was up, we embraced and each went on to enjoy the rest of the ceremony.
I can't really tell you what it all meant; why at that moment this man appeared to me in person. The universe has yet to reveal to me what the purpose of this whole experience was or is. But the magic remains. My belief in magic remains. My belief in the beauty of life and the goodness of human kind remains.
Maybe that was the only meaning I needed.
