Motherhood Musings: Postpartum Depression

Everyone tells you how wonderful it is to be a mother, but no one really tells you how hard it will be, and it’s impossible to really know how hard until you’re knee deep in it. 

The first few days after Bea was born, I was in heaven.  I felt confident, radiant and peaceful.  But gradually the euphoria wore off and reality set in.  I became a crying milk-machine still carrying around the after effects of gaining 40 pounds during pregnancy.  Don’t get me wrong, I was utterly in love with her, but that doesn’t change the fact that postpartum depression showed up and is still rearing its ugly head.

Every day is different.  Some days I feel happy and confident; on these days I feel totally in tune with her and we sail through the day.  Many days though find me crying in the rocking chair while trying to get her to take a nap, knowing the nap will only last about 30 minutes and she won’t want another one until 3 or so hours later.  Or you might find me in tears desperately trying to find something in my closet that makes me feel good about myself, that fits and that I’m able to nurse in.  Or you might find me sitting at the kitchen table weeping because I haven’t gotten anything done and I’m afraid that Ike will get home and wonder what I’ve been doing all day (even though he has assured me that he doesn’t think this).  See a theme here?

There have been many, many times that I have questioned whether or not Bea and Ike would be better off without me, and many, many times I have wondered how permanently my sadness or anger have affected Bea.  Every morning I wake up and promise myself that I will stay calm and patient, and focus on everything I have to be grateful for.  Some days I hold on to this all day, some days I make it a couple of hours.

I’ve heard from friends and seen comments on social media that, hey, it gets easier.  I loathe this comment because that isn’t always true, and when it isn’t true, when it gets harder, it only makes that mom (me) feel even worse; like I’m doing something wrong.

This is also why I’ve quit reading any books on baby anything and quit looking things up online.  If I don’t match up, or Bea doesn’t match up with what is “supposed to be” it only serves to make me feel like I am failing her in some way, which I know in my heart isn’t true.  There are times when I know I’m a good mom, but then it gets clouded over with doubt and insecurities.

Postpartum depression is real and it is incredibly hard to live with.  It makes you feel weak and ashamed and guilty.  And worst of all, it makes you feel like a bad mom.  It helps to have loved ones around who really care about your well-being, a partner who is reassuring, loving, supportive and non-judgmental, and other mothers who are honest about the realities of motherhood.

I know that I will eventually make it through this, I just have to keep looking at Bea’s smile and how happy she is and how happy she makes people when they see her smile; I just have to keep looking at Bea and how healthy and bright she is; and I just have to keep reminding myself that I am a good mom even if I don’t always feel like it and even if I don’t always believe it.  I know I’ll continue to make mistakes and I’m probably not doing things the way you’re “supposed to”, but I’m doing the best I can and I’ve just got to hold on to that.

—-I hope that by sharing this it helps even one mom out there feel less alone.  If you are scared or sad or angry and need someone to talk to, I would be glad to listen.  I’m still in the thick of it, too, and know how lonely it can feel.  If not me, please talk to someone or even write down how you are feeling.  It helps to put it out there.  Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable especially with those who love you.  There is no shame in feeling this way.  Remember that.—-

—-Also, if someone confides in you that she is suffering from postpartum depression, she probably just wants someone to listen to her; she doesn’t necessarily want advice.  Sometimes giving her advice can make her feel even worse.  Just be an ear.—-